Have I really not blogged in 17 days? Hmph. I really have a ton of catching up to do. I know the main reason I haven't blogged this past week is because I've been stressing way too much over teaching my Relief Society Lesson. But, I do have multiple, extremely good reasons for the stressing. I suck at teaching and I suck at speaking in public. I had my second lesson on the Prophets of God yesterday and I choked.
Hard.
Think as many cotton balls as would fit in your mouth, then an incredible stutter on top of that, and all your thoughts running away and an empty hole where your brain should be, leaving you looking out upon a sea of faces just staring back....waiting. Sheesh. I don't even want to be friends with myself. I was a disaster.
Afterwards, I ran out of there so fast and sat in with Ty in his class, and finally when the last kid was picked up did the tears start welling up. I don't know what to do. I want to do the right thing and buck up and serve in my calling and do the best that I can, but my best is not cutting it. I completely embarrassed myself, the Spirit wasn't there, and I don't think that I am doing any good for anyone. I know this is supposed to be for me, but I'm not so sure this is something that I can get over. Last month I spent the morning sitting by the toilet, on the verge of vomiting the entire time leading up to my lesson. It doesn't matter how many hours upon hours I spend, I never feel ready. Anyone I've talked to says this is the best and favorite calling they've had, but I'm completely the opposite. Speaking in public is just one of those things I wasn't blessed with. Tyler I don't think quite understood this fear I've had my whole life until I completely lost it yesterday. Husbands hate it when their wives cry. And I hate when I cry. Will I ever get over it?! I sure hope so...
Luckily, Tyler is bringing me IN-N-OUT (with fries) right now, and that always makes things better. That, and knowing I have 30 days until my next lesson!
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