Every time I sit down to blog, I erase and rewrite, erase and rewrite...I can never seem to quite get out what I'm feeling. I hate having my blog be so superficial on the surface but it's always so scary putting real thoughts down for the world to see even if they're friends and family.
Some of my favorite blogs are the ones that are so raw and unedited. The good, the bad, the nasty...that's what life is all about right? From now on I really want to write what's going on personally. It's kind of tiring pretending that life is dandy when some days it just plain sucks and I hope you won't judge for giving you too much information!
I ache everyday that we can get pregnant--I tried for 3 years with my ex-husband, and thankfully (I look at it that way now) that it just wasn't in the cards for us. But now that I'm ready, really ready, we're struggling. I have had some cysts rupture over the last year but nothing major. My endometriosis seems alright--not much pain as before and I'm doing everything I'm supposed to, charting temps, ovulation kits, yada yada....the usual stuff. I am going in for another hysterosalpingram this month and hopefully that will get us some answers. I hate it.
We're at the age where everyone is having kids, whether it be their first or third for some. Of course I'm ecstatic for each and every one of them--I love babies and I LOVE my friends having babies. It's the greatest. I don't really like talking about my problems much because I know that it makes people uncomfortable, especially when they have no issues in that department. I just don't want people to feel sorry for me or uncomfortable telling me about exciting news that involves a growing belly. I'm lucky in that I've never had those bad feelings toward any of my friends, although I have a close friend who is having a more difficult time and struggles with the "whys" of our situation.
"Why can some women get one look from their husbands and get pregnant?"
"Why is a young unmarried teen able to get pregnant the first time they have sex and I can't"
Why this, why that.
I sure feel her pain. I'll be 28 on May 31st and geez that just seems so old. Maybe if I were in Cali again it wouldn't be so bad, but my non-lds best friends are pregnant too! Not only that, I didn't really plan on working for the rest of my life-If I knew I'd be working full time this long I'd have gone to Med school/nursing school/PA school. I can't believe I haven't really done anything outstanding in the work department besides getting my bachelors. I'm disappointed in myself. But I'm sure we all wish we coud go back and change things based on what we know know now.
Another drama--
I haven't been diagnosed officially with Fibromyalgia, but I struggle with pain everyday and have limited energy. I can barely work out-doing so results in soreness lasting for a week or more if I push it and if I go off my meds the pain just comes back as well as the annoying brain fog. My doctor wants me to do a sleep study to see if I'm for sure lacking in the stages 3/4 of my necessary sleep, but I'd have to pay my outrageous deductible-which is basically the cost of the whole procedure.
{Update} Also Ty's best friend Roca had to be put to sleep this week and my parents are officially separating and selling the home I grew up in in California. How did I forget those?
Fun stuff huh?!
It seems that when we are having trials, the best medicine is to look at others and see what they are going through--it always makes me grateful for my trials and struggles especially when there doesn't seem to be light at the end of the tunnel sometimes.
My visiting teacher picked me up last week and we went out to dinner and I tried a ZUMBA class for the first time. I am so glad we were able to connect so much on a personal level and I learned a ton about her--from heart surgery last year to having Multiple Sclerosis, her doctors were baffled that she managed to stay alive for this long.
The girl I visit teach has gone through and is going through more than I could imagine. Her twins were born months early and they had to watch her little girl slip away, while her guy Porter is still in the NICU struggling and fighting on a daily basis.
My friend Leslie lost her sister-in-law to cancer 2 years ago--I would post the link, but her blog is private but you can go to her sister-in-laws website that documented her journey. http://www.robingroff.com Absolutely heartbreaking and gut wrenching.
After the stories I hear day after day, whether close friends, or earthquakes and tsunamis halfway around the world, I hope we will remember and try not to complain about anything ever again! There is always someone who has it worse and they are our stuggles for a reason. Heavenly Father doesn't give them to those to can't completely handle them. (hard to believe sometimes, but yes life always has a bright side to it!).
6 comments:
Love you, Summer!
I'm so glad you posted this, Summer. Don't ever feel bad about talking about what is going on in your life! By doing so, you're actually helping the MANY others who are going through the same thing but feel as if they can't talk about it. It's HARD what you're going through! We need to hang out soon - we keep saying that, but I REALLY want to! P.S. - Sophie, Charlie and I walk by your house almost everyday now that it's nice weather - I have no excuse for not seeing you more! : )
You are a great Aunt and will make a fantastic mother. I hope things start looking up in that department. Ethan needs some Bruford cousins, and you guys are sure to have some cute little ones! We're praying for you guys. Love you.
You know our boys love you! You have ALWAYS been genuinely loving to them! I hope that things start going in the upward direction for you with a baby. I am sorry to hear about your parents :(
Hey Summer! I can totally relate. Life hit me at 30... really, I didn't realize how difficult life can get, but I guess that's what it's all about. Struggles, love, happiness, tears, good times and bad times. I too agree with you when you say " I hate having my blog be so superficial" but, I look at my blog as my happy place, where I can concentrate on the good things in life and realize in the end how fortunate I really am.
Hang on in there Summer, I'm sure there are many babies for you and Ty in the future, just focus at one thing at a time. Too many thoughts or things to do can get you off track. First "resolve" one thing/problem. Once thats done, go on to another. It really is useless to try and do too many things at once.
Oh and about your parents, I can totally relate to that too. It sucks. I'm going through that again now too. Why is it that to me this time around, it seems harder than the first time?
Love and hugs! Christina.
i almost didn't read this cause it was too many words and i have limited time at the computer but i'm glad i did. i love you and appreciate everything you wrote. joel and i have our struggles and obviously getting pregnant isn't one of them. sometimes i think i would trade my trials for someone elses but then again...really? great post. let's get together soon.
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